Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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