I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
