I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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