I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
