i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
They have beer where we have blood.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
