It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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