It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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