Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
