If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
