matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
