and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
