you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
