Apparently you make a good broom.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
