I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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