Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
