I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
