we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
