I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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