How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
