he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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