He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
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