I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
