I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
