She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
