I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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