He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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