The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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