I could have mohawked her pubes.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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