It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
