I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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