I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
