Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
