i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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