can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
