Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
