I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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