So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
