I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
