I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
