Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
