Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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