Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
