So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
