I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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