I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
