I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
