Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
