We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
