Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize