All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
