It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
