We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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