i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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