I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
