If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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